What to REALLY Expect When You’re Expecting

  **First and foremost, if you lack a sense of humor or feel the need to call child protective services and report Matt and I, PLEASE click the little “x” in the upper right hand corner and do not read any further. Despite what is about to be read, we actually kinda like Mady. : )**

           There are numerous things that baby books fail to mention when it comes to the care and well being of your baby. Perhaps I missed that chapter, or maybe they forgot to print that section in my edition of “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.” Whatever the case, it’s only fair to pass on the tips that Matt and I have stumbled upon over the past 9 months.

            Not too long ago, Matt and I were at a party…having a conversation with individuals (whom I will leave nameless to ensure that their children will not be taken from them) about things baby books don’t teach you about. Like for instance...

·   Blowing in your infant’s face while they are crying for HOURS on end, allows you to have a few moments of silence…while you’re baby tries to catch their breath. (Trust me, Matt has been yelled at plenty of times for this. I don’t even have to be in the same room to know that he has “silenced” her. If she’s crying hard and suddenly stops, I know.)

· Placing your infant’s face in direct sunlight forces them to close their eyes…which makes falling asleep A LOT easier on both parent and baby. 

· Poking/brushing party favors on your infant’s eyes may also have a similar effect as placing your infant’s face in direct sunlight. 

· You won’t clean and sterilize your 2^ndchild’s binky. Save your precious time and energy and don’t bother with the first child. (Could you imagine what the 13^th child in a family would have growing on their binky?)  

· Threatening to sell your infant or give them to an orphanage, or put them up for adoption after a LONG night of crying and being up every 2 hours, makes your infant sleep better the following night. (Sounds like it might work, but in reality it really doesn’t. But it was worth a try.) 

· Promising to throw out your infants belongings (toys, stuffed animals, blankets, etc) on the street so the neighborhood kids can enjoy them doesn’t make your infant stop crying. So just save your breath.

 ·   Making comments such as, “Oh, I just can’t imagine how my life was prior to my baby,” could possibly help you earn brownie points for becoming the next “Mother/Father of the Year.” If you’ve already blew getting that award, be honest. How can you NOT forget your life before your baby…sleeping in when you want, going to bed later than 9:00pm, overnight stays didn’t involve packing up the whole house…

· Allowing your infant to sleep with you in your bed is harmless. But there may be minor side effects that occur during the nights that your infant is in his/her crib. Such side effects may include, but are not limited to things like:  Digging frantically through the covers to find your crying baby, or grabbing your spouse’s knee and panicking because you’ve found your infant's head but can’t locate the rest of their body.

· Bathing your infant once a week is sufficient. Sometimes your life becomes so busy with work, taking care of the house, errands, etc, that it’s ok if you make it to the end of the week and realize that you’ve only given your baby a bath once that week. Look on the bright side, it prevents his/her skin from drying out AND it saves a little on your water bill. 

·   Lathering your infant up with "Johnson's Bedtime Bath and Bedtime Lotion" or “Aveeno Baby Calming Lotion”(which is supposedly "clinically proven to help baby sleep better”) isn’t necessary. You are better off squirting it out in the garbage disposal to lessen that garbage smell. Yes, those lotions and bath washes smell SO good, but does it actually calm your infant and help them sleep better? I beg to differ.

·   Jokingly, telling “strangers” at a Maple Queen Pageant (when complimented on how great your 6 month old was throughout the entire pageant) that you drugged them before you arrived, probably isn’t such a good idea…well, I mean, unless you want them to slowly walk away, speechless,  pretending they just didn’t hear that come out of a parent’s mouth.

 

·   The tiny spray bottles that come in an infant grooming kit quenches your 7 months old thirst just as good (if not better) than a bottle or sippy cup. They can even be conveniently placed right in your pocket without that added bulkiness that bottles and sippy cups have.

 Finally,  

·   Toys are a waste of money. Plastic bags, chapstick, diapers, containers, (in other words, everyday items that adults use) are excellent toys to keep your 8 month old occupied for extended periods of time. (Don’t worry about the warning labels found on plastic bags. They are completely harmless…as long as the infant is “supervised”…while playing in the pantry…with the door slightly propped open with just enough space for your infant to crawl out of. 

Surprised Mady has made it through the past 9 months?? Don’t worry. We’re kind of surprised too. Matt and I often say, “Can you believe that SHE relies on and trusts US??” It’s a little scary knowing that both Matt and I are responsible for that little individual. Whether it’s from all the lovin’s, hugs, kisses, plastic bags, tiny shots of water from her grooming spray bottle, or blueberry puffs, apparently we have done SOMETHING right. Besides, I wouldn’t trade her for ANYTHING…well ...almost anything. Just kidding. : )

Her Mommy & Daddy love her SO very much!
<3